There’s a certain silence that hits when you realize your payment didn’t come…again. It’s not the loud kind of anger. It’s that low, simmering hum in my chest, somewhere between “are you serious?” and “I will TURN OVER EVERY TABLE.” Lawd help me….I’ve been in this position time and time again. Checks not clearing, invoices unpaid but this time it feels different. I do lots of things and without putting this entity on full blast just know they are noteworthy enough to where this sort of issue would bring about some damaging press. Yes Human Resources has been notified AGAIN….and I’m stuck waiting for payment….AGAIN all while waiting for another check to clear that someone wrote which bounced…twice.

I sat staring at my email, rereading the line ‘We’ve processed payment on 10/15/25.? Problem is NOT ALL OF MY COINS were in my account. I was supposed to be paid double of what they put and that was AFTER they missed my full paycheck in September. I was forced to wait until 10/10 for a payment that should have been received on 9/15. I’m late on my rent, short on cash and really doing my best to not panic or be less than kind to myself or others because of an error that wasn’t my own.

But here’s the truth: mindfulness doesn’t make the money appear. No matter how much I meditate I can’t pay my rent in reflective thoughts and mantras. It does help me keep my attention directed towards healthy, accurate thoughts and let two things be true while I work towards receiving what I’m owed.

When that deposit doesn’t drop, the spiritual part of me wants to whisper, “Everything happens for a reason.”But the human part of me Black woman, working hard, showing up with excellence wants to yell, “RUN ME MY MONEY BISSSSH.”

So I’ve learned to give myself permission to feel both. Anger isn’t unspiritual. Frustration isn’t failure.
I like to think of it as….”information”. Before I sent that follow-up email, I took a breath. But..I’m low-key lying because I for damn sure erased the email with attitude in every character because I felt totally disrespected and like there was some effort to steal from me, make my life hard, embarrass me, challenge my patience I could go on. That first email I had had enough….my practice however helped me erase that message, without erasing my anger and allowing me to communicate clearly, articulating with facts over feelings.

I had a choice and I chose a breath

Inhale: I am worthy of timely compensation..
Exhale: I can respond, not react.

Money is energy. It’s the way the world says, “I see you. I value your time.” So when that exchange breaks, it’s not just about the cash. Sometimes it shakes my confidence and challenges my self worth. I can spiral into being really hard on myself. The current of clarity of mind abruptly is dammed.

Mindfulness has taught me to notice the shift in my body when that flow stops. Tight jaw. Shallow breath. Tense tone. Instead of continuing to spiral into “Why does this always happen…TO ME?” I practice grounding:

• Feel my feet.
• Name three things I do have (a roof, my breath, my boundaries, my edges, knees like Meg LOL).
• Remember that my value isn’t tied to someone else’s delay.

Still, I HAD a choice to be real that peace doesn’t pay the bills. So, I followed up and I took multiple breaths.

I realize now that mindfulness isn’t passive…it’s power in slow motion. When I finally responded to the second missed payment, I didn’t shrink my voice or soften the truth. I calmly articulated that yes a partial payment had been received but asked directly when will the remaining balance be deposited per the contract. Old me would’ve apologized for asking to be paid. Evolved me hit send and went about my morning with a light heart and calm mind. Boundaries are a love language. And sometimes, the most mindful move is saying, “This doesn’t feel like myself anymore.” I enjoy being in a state ready to respond to the messy moments of life. But sometimes it can come so fast that my practice tip toes to the surface. I’m getting better that is for sure.

This whole experience showed me something bigger how often we (especially Black women) carry the emotional labor of being “graceful” in spaces. I’m learning that my grace and gratitude are precious, but they are not for sale. I’ve learned that self-respect and softness can coexist. I’ve also learned that being “unbothered” is a practice, not a personality. So yeah…twice unpaid. Still unbothered. Kinda. Because grace and accountability can share the same mat and moment.

Money Mantra

“I am the source. Money flows to me, but it does not define me.”

Reflection/Writing Prompt

What story do you tell yourself when you’re not compensated for your worth—and what new story would feel more powerful to live in?

Pull up to my FB or IG (@kesltheyogi) page and tell me about it or drop it in the comments!

xoxo