If I’m being honest I thought I was somewhat through with yoga…cause it seemed yoga was through with me. If I had a dollar for every time someone used yoga to get close to me only to have some weird ask I would at least be able to get a full set with French tips. Ok…that may not have made any sense but as you can see I’ve been somewhat MIA.

I think at the peak of my yoga popularity there was loneliness, shame and some cult like vibes that I just wasn’t feeling. I did my best to “act” like a yogi but I wasn’t feeling the closeness to the practice and just evolved to exist with an intentional breath. I’ve been battling to get back into a rhythm of my own self and it hasn’t been easy.

Is this what being 40 feels like?: Confusing, distracted…lonely? Or perhaps I’m just being too hard on myself and simply am finding my lifestyle and priorities shifting. Either way I’m recalibrating and resetting my path back to my practice. I guess our souls need a sabbatical from our passions in life. Doing the work even if it is mindfulness can become empty if you’re not careful.

I’m ready to be much more transparent about how this practice invites new levels of understanding and clarity while also illuminating the murky parts of your mind that I myself have willfully ignored. I think these days I have more questions than anything and also in tandem…more patience with the pursuit of answers or solutions.

Do I practice everyday like I use to? No. Do I meditate daily like I use to? No. I feel like I did all that work to become less offended by people who are offensive and become less agitated at those who project their limiting thoughts and low energy for life on me. I don’t think that is how I should be using the sweetness of my practice…I should be feeling less than at all. But here I am.

I wonder if maybe I got this yoga thing all wrong. I wonder if maybe I’ve been kidding myself this whole time about why I practice and what is my purpose. My world turned upside down for a spell and I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I feel like the people I trusted to keep me company need me to be confused and spiraling or so that is the thought I’m working on letting go with less guilt.

I want to enter the second half of my 40’s with confidence and clarity. I know there are even more ways my practice can help me become the version of myself I wish to be. I already know it will require me to adjust my relationships and be clear on how I cause myself harm.

I don’t need to have an IG account with tens of thousands of followers. That isn’t why I began teaching.

I don’t need to be mindful of the algorithm. Who finds this practice is supposed to be here.

I don’t need to publish my entire life to be present in the lives of those who are students of this practice. There are more genuine connections than that over social media.

Everything isn’t meant to be commodified and I am allowed to share my practice and instructing in ways that are mutually beneficial to myself AND my students. I do miss my newsletter. I really enjoyed writing it and working on it for others to read and practice with. I miss my heart being so free and open and wild with kindness. I look back and I was who I wanted to be.

Our practices ebb and flow and we grow. Our studios will move and some close down and we still are yogis. A product line doesn’t bring peace and a yoga retreat doesn’t equate to a balanced chakra. I’m done putting everything first but myself and my practice. I’ve been on hiatus for 3 years now. I’m rested. I’ve recharged and ready to be openly reflect.

xoxo